Journal Entry: Sat May 6, 2017, 11:35 PM
I recently bought the Journal 3 and read it again and... look, I read the last page. I did read the last part (Summary; Ford realizes he's kind of an awful person and that Stan in the end was the one who saved the world and he's the hero, not Ford)... I'm honestly glad that Ford finally realized what a piece of shit he's been, and how Stan saved the world... For a while, I was conflicted, how to feel about him?... But... no, I still can't do anything about how I feel. He can make up for it, he can realize it, but I can't forgive what he did. I'm very glad he finally did get it, finally realized, yes, he was a bad person, but... I just... can't.
Ford was able to pull the trigger.
And Stan... was ok with that.
On either end of that, I could never do that.
I know the fate of the world was at stake, but I don't know if I could be the executioner of my fucking cat let alone a human family member.
Both of them thought, that for all intents and purposes, that Stan would die.
It scares me that Stan honestly... said as his last words, the last words of a man saving the world were that he'd finally do something good with his brain.
... and the fact that Ford had a hand in every step of Stan's (Being honest here) death is... probably in the end why I can't forgive him, no matter how much he realizes he was wrong.
Because he blamed Stan, yelled at him, not listening to Stan say he didn't mean to, for shutting the curtains, wordlessly telling him with that motion, that even if he didn't choose to have Stan thrown out, he was approving it, then later in life, told him that he was worthless, that he wanted him as far away as possible, that their dream as kids was dead, that he had ruined both of their lives, and after tirelessly spending 30 years trying to save him, to once again be told he's worthless, that he's to be thrown out again, that his brother hates him.
maybe if everyone in his life hadn't told him he was worthless and to be left behind, things would have turned out better.
But it didn't.
I'm almost certain the only reason Stan kept himself alive after Ford went in the portal wasn't because he wanted to live for himself, but because he blamed himself again. He didn't live for himself, but for others.
He lived for others and died for others.
And it's Ford's fault.
Not that their father was a terrible person, not that he got thrown out, but that Stan didn't actually ever live for himself for more than half his life.
And telling him after he spent that half, that he was still worthless.
And even ignoring the emotional part, if he wasn't a selfish idiot, Bill wouldn't have been able to seduce him into building the portal. He had, as the Journal shows, so many warnings as to what went wrong; hell, when told the story of Icarus, he simply insists Icarus didn't flap hard enough. Everything that happened that lead to the series, that lead to Stan's death, was all Ford's fault.
And I just can't accept that.
Honestly, I'm more upset about the emotional shit than the Bill stuff, if it didn't all tie back into Ford's damn ego that started the shitshow.
I'm glad he finally realized that he's only 'the hero's brother', and that stan's a better man than he'll ever be, but I can't forgive him.
He realized 40 years and one murdered brother too late for me to forgive him.
Stan may have gotten his memories back, but I'm treating it as death because that's what they both thought it would be. It was only karma for Stan that gave him his life back.
Stan had to die to make up for all of the things Ford did. And that is the ultimate injustice of the whole series.
but also honestly can I go back to something I mentioned in my essay on why he's a bad person? The fact that Ford... That Ford never showed empathy towards Stan's plight in their talk before the portal. I... That's not ok. There's just... let me refresh it.
And then, the thing, what gets me, what makes me burn up inside, is that when he hears Stan tell him how his life has gone, how he's been kidnapped and forced to chew his way out of the trunk of a car, put in prison three times over, and Ford doesn't consider that for a second. He hears his own brother tell him that he's been through hell, and has no concern for him. His only pressing concern is a fight from a decade ago that Ford recovered from and Stan never did. Stan calls him selfish, sure, but..
And Ford's response to this? "I'm selfish? I'm selfish, Stanley? How can you say that after costing me my dream school?!"
It's... It's gross to me. It's unacceptable human being behavior. Paranoia from Bill or not, the Journal shows he wasn't any more emotionally fucked up than he had ever been before. this was Ford paranoid, but certainly not compromised. And Ford... was enough of a callous human being to listen to someone, let alone his twin brother, tell him how he's been kidnapped and been in prison and homeless and feels nothing. He shows no concern, no compassion at this. All he does is focus on how he was wronged. Something so petty, to Ford, overrides the suffering of others, for something that was done to him so long ago.
It.. hurts. I wish Fiddleford wasn't gone when that happened.
I wish someone was there when it happened.
Maybe if they met earlier? That wouldn't change Ford's opinion, but then maybe someone with more compassion could realize that Stan is hurt and that Ford is ignoring it.
Because it's just... I need someone to call out Ford for that. It was seriously inhumane. I don't care about the heat of the moment. That's not an excuse for such lack of empathy.
I want someone to be there for Stan and stand up for him when Ford calls him selfish, to call out Ford.
There's no justice for Ford, and that hurts me. At least, not enough justice.
I need someone to call him out. I need a fanfiction about that. I need homeless stan fics. I just.... need someone to realize Ford is a terrible person. I know Stan gets sympathy, but I feel like... Ford needs less. I need a fic where Stan and Ford are both there and Stan gets the sympathy he deserves, but not from Ford. Because getting it from Ford would be ridiculously out of character.
At the very least, Ford needs SO MUCH MORE calling out than he gets. I need fanfiction where he's exactly as much of a borderline sociopath with so little empathy that the second Fiddleford suggests the plan will fail, he writes about how horrible Fiddleford is and how he was probably going to steal his inventions and stuff; I may think the two were involved, but he was not the best person. He hates anyone for daring to question his intelligence, for fucking him over even once, I need that Ford to be in fanfiction.
I need the real, horrible person Ford. The fucked up, self absorbed idiot Ford. The canon Ford. Not the one who realizes he fucked up, the one who feels sympathy when he hears Stan's plight; that one is canonically false. He heard Stan tell him that and didn't listen. I need the real Ford.
I'm sorry for venting, but Gravity Falls makes me FEEL THINGS so hard and I'm genuinely pissed. Sure it's a story, but it still pisses me off. Don't worry though, I'm not going to go apeshit over it, I just want to channel that anger somewhere. Like FANFICTION.
Listening to: My Music
Reading: Only You Can Save Mankind
Watching: A Flurry Of Emotions
Drinking: Cran-Raspberry Juice